so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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