I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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