I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
