i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Someone shattered a urinal.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
