I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
