Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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