The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You're a disaster
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