Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
