She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
