I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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