Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He passed out mid-signature
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize