she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
