You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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