Your dad touched me again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
