How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
