I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
