We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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