I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So many bounce houses so little time
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
