i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
