Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
