I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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