i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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