that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
