I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
