last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
