that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
