oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
