I just saw a hot homeless man
thus making me awesome and them whores
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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