oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
