I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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