My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
