Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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