Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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