It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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