I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
