Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
