at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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