u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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