Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
