I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
