she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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