4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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