Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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