i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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