im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
