I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
