how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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