i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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