eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He better not be in your backpack
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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