If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
