This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
