just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I need a burrito and a hug.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
