Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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