I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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