I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
