just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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