420 ftw
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We left an ass print on the piano.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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