You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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