Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize