the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The uberlube is also flammable
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Pants are for mortals
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
