I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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