and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
