I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
